"The Knee Bone's Connected to the Funny Bone..."

Overheard at a local office of Kaiser Permanente, where our hero was anxious to learn the results of his recent MRI....‎

"I've got some good news and some bad news for you"

"Ok doc, let's hear it."

"Well, you have a compression fracture of the lateral condyle of your Tibia."

"Is that the bad news?"

"No, I'm afraid that's the good news...."

When a doctor's visit starts like that, you know things are going to go downhill.

The story continues:

"You have an irreparable tear of your anterior cruciate ligament (ACL)"

"So is that the bad news?"

"No, not really.  While we can't repair your ACL we can replace it."

"Oh, so that's the good news?"

"Well no.... You see the replacement ligament material will be harvested from a donor cadaver."  

"So you mean.......???""

"Yep."

"I'll be......."

"Yep."

{Simultaneously}

"Dead Man Walking!"

Ok, so the last few lines of this narrative (the stuff after the Poker Face) are loosely crafted fiction.  What follows is the remainder of the visit......

"So what you're saying, Doc, is I'll be like some cool suburban Zombie with cadaver parts in me?"

"I'm not sure that's how they see it over at Kaiser Member's Services."

"Well all-in-all I don't see it as really bad news."

"It's not the bad news, Mr. Azevedo."

"There's more?"

"Yes.  It would appear that you've also done irreparable damage to your meniscus."

"So I have a tri-fecta of knee problems, huh?  A stress fracture, a torn ACL, and a demolished meniscus?  On top of that I'll have a Zombie knee?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure Member's Services would prefer we not call it a tri-fecta."  

And so there you go folks, the evil garage sale from Hell, has now made it so that most of my summer will be spent recuperating from knee re-construction surgery, and not spent logging thousands of mile towards Iron Butt Association glory.

So.. if you see me about town, please be kind and refrain from yelling "DEAD MAN WALKING!"  I could get violent, and with a Zombie knee part floating around inside of me who wants to risk the chance I may acquire a taste for B R  A   I   N    S!!!!!!

        

You know you're Portuguese when.....

My mom and her Arch Enemy, the mini-creamer cup.

I had a moment yesterday, while on a trip down memory lane, to think of my mother.  My mom was an incredibly funny lady, but oh so Portuguese.  I know she would get a kick out of this list:

You know you're Portuguese when:

• Your mother or grandmother has Maria in her name.  (My mom's name, BTW!)
• You have a rooster napkin holder.
• Your father or grandfather is called Manuel, Jose, or Antonio.
• You have crocheted doilies on your kitchen counters, dining room, living room, bedroom--on all your tables.
• You decorate your walls with plates.
• You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sanweesha."
• Your house is a mini church with just as many statues of saints and Jesus as your church itself.
• You're 25 and still living with your parents. (Extra points if you're married and living with your spouse in your parent's house)
• You have a mother or grandmother who wears black.  Every day.
• You were pinched under the arm in church by your mother.
• You have relatives you don't speak to.
• Your furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait!!  You were sitting on plastic.
• You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
• You call any pasta "shpargett."
• You think that you can catch a cold with a draft or by sitting in the spring sun. Cold drinks are also thought to bring on the dreadful "gripe". And don't let anyone have a shower after eating as something terrible could happen to them.
• You think Brazilians speak incorrect Portuguese and will not read a book written in Brazilian Portuguese.
• The last major military victory you can remember your country having was the Battle of Aljubarrota in 1385.
• You drank wine before you were a teenager.
• Your parents own like 4 houses in Portugal but complain about the lack of money in the States.
• Going to Portugal involves buying gifts for all 500 members of your family
• You think every meal must be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.

• You go crazy for the World Cup
• You refer to Portugal as "O Continent"
• You've walked in "as paradas" longer than you can remember
• You have grape vines in your backyard
• You earned over $5,000 for your first communion.
• To hell with the Turkey and Roast Beef! X-mas dinner was bacalhau au braz, baby!
• You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.
• A barbeque does not consist of burgers on the grill... Hello! Can you say sardinhas?
• You have at least one relative who "came over on the boat."
• You were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.
• Your parents anticipate that you'll marry your first long-term boyfriend/girlfriend.
• When you hear the word "Sagres" you think Beer, not the historical maritime school.
• Nothing beats a buttered papo-seco.
• You think talking loud is normal.
• You think that 2am is too early to go to bed and that 11am is to early too get out of bed.
• Your grandmother tells you look sick because you are too thin.
• Your parents make you eat 3 servings of dinner at each sitting otherwise they think you don't like the cooking.

If by now you aren't on the floor laughing, you didn't grow up in a Portuguese household.  I for one, am a survivor of both a Portuguese and a Catholic upbringing, so please cut me some slack!

FA

Reflections on Fifty

Although it is March 14^th, my birthday, I was born at 10:32 in the morning and consequently have a few hours before I actually turn 50.  With a few hours remaining as a person in my forties, I began to take stock of the last 49 years, and reflect on the next few years.

Have I met my goals in life?  Have I been a good person?  Have I been a success?  If I’m honest, the answer to the latter is really an aggregate of the answer to the first two questions; and I have to acknowledge that I’m not qualified to answer those questions.  History, and those of you who know me are best qualified to answer them.

So if the past is left for others to judge, what remains is for me to set course for however remaining years I have.  It’s odd that fifty has traditionally been a boundary line between youth and middle age; fact is centenarians are still the exception.  With average life expectancy for U.S. men set at 75.4 (WebMD figures) middle age for me started at about 38.

I don’t want this post to be about stats and mortality, but rather how to squeeze the most life out of the 25.4 years (on average) I have left.  At the risk of making this seem like a bucket list, here are some of the things I want to do or see before I become a footnote:

• ·         See my two kids live happy independent lives.  You may laugh, but this one isn’t as certain as I would like.

…. You know what….. after that one, the rest is icing on the cake.  But, it wouldn’t be bad if some of the icing included:

       

Cheese!

  
• Eating a croissant and coffee with Kathie at a Parisian sidewalk café
• Visit Pisa Italy and have Kathie take a cheesy photo of me holding up the tower with one hand.
• Eat Sushi with Kathie at a Tokyo Sushi restaurant.
• Take Kathie on a gondola ride in Venice, though my guess is she’d prefer to visit Rome.
• Travel through the 49 continental states on my bike.  I’m not shipping “Bob” to Hawaii.
• Go to Africa and have Kathie take a picture of me throwing a Hula Hoop around a giraffe’s neck.
• Publish a book about my two wheeled travels.
• See and photograph the aurora borealis.
• Visit all of the Major League Ballparks, and watch a game at Camden Yards. Go Orioles!
• Complete the following Iron Butt Association rides on my bike.
• The Saddle Sore 1000 (entry ride for IBA membership) 1000 miles ridden in 24 hours
• The 50CC ride – Coast-to-Coast  San Diego, CA to Jacksonville, FL in 50 hours
• The Four Corners tour:   San Ysidro, CA, to Blaine, WA, to Madwaska, ME, to Key West, FL in 21 days.
• Speaking of Key West, I want to buy His and Hers Margaritas at Jimmy Buffet’s restaurant in Key West.

My list is subject to amendment, but this is a good start.  It’s a lot to do, but I have twenty-five years.  I best get started.  What’s on your list?

Check The Grommet

I have my first colonoscopy scheduled for tomorrow,  March 13^th.  Of course that means today I can’t eat any solid food, so I thought I would try to keep my mind off of munchies by writing a few words about my upcoming experience.

 

Per my paperwork, along with no solid foods today, I get to treat myself to a butt-blast cocktail this afternoon.  As compelling as today will be, it pales in comparison to tomorrow’s activities.  I get to slip on an alluring one-size-fits-none gown, and then I get slipped a Roofie, then they try to slip this thing up my southern regions!

They're very thorough at Kaiser!

Bad news is I will only be “twilight-sedated” (which means I’ll be forced to watch Bella, and Edward until I lose the will to live and lapse into unconsciousness.)  But the good news is, since I won’t be under a general anesthetic, I’ll be able to carry on a conversation with the doctor, and ask him relevant questions like:

• ·        Have you found Amelia Earhart yet?
• ·         Is this how a Muppet feels?
• ·         Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.

The Star Trek fan in me may ask if he realizes that he is “Boldly going where no man has gone before!” and the smart aleck in me may ask: “Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet? “

All kidding aside, a colonoscopy is an effective way for your healthcare professional to check for possible colon problems, most commonly colorectal cancer and polyps in the colon. A colonoscopy may also be used to evaluate and treat less serious conditions, such as abdominal pain, bleeding in the stools, and changes in bowel habits.  I’m having this procedure done because of some non-standard results on some recent lab work.

Nearly 150,000 people are expected to be diagnosed with colon cancer this year alone, but thankfully, colorectal cancer is over 90% curable when caught in its earliest stages. That's why colonoscopy screenings are so important for people over the age of 50. The American Cancer Society recommends that in order to prevent colorectal cancer, men and women over the age of 50 should receive a colonoscopy every 10 years.  –American Cancer Soceity

Right about now one would expect a picture of an awareness ribbon, but personally I think those are a bunch of hooey!  But if you ask me the ribbon should be brown.  For those of you that need a ribbon to be aware of some important issue, here you go:

I’ve just realized the most important thing I can ask for from my doctor: A note to my wife that in fact my head was not in there.

Did I mention my doctor’s name?  Doctor Rapier.

Wish me luck.

Now they've done it!!!

To steal a quote from Butters in South Park, "Now I'm Mad!!!"

What has my undies all bundled up into square knots this time?  Well let's take a trip in my "way back machine" to a simpler time - this morning - when I was making my coffee.  I was listening to a radio station, it might have been KFI but which station doesn't really matter, and taking a sip of my coffee when I heard a sound so offensive to my ears that I nearly lost my Pikes Place via a side trip through my sinuses.  Imagine a thousands sets of finger nails being dragged across a chalkboard, imagine a hundred cats engaged in a blood lust mating ritual.  They pale in comparison to the Kohl's commercial that was simply a mash up of the worst music video of all time.

Out of my radio came the excessively auto-tuned, yet not quite as nasal sound of studio singers singing:


"Black Friday, Black Friday, gotta shop on Black Friday....."


I can't remember the rest of the lyrics, or the tag line for the jingle, I can only recall that the store responsible for this atrocity was Kohl's

Now I know there are a lot of fans of Kohl's out there, and I have no real problem with Kohls.  But look at their logo.  (over there, to the left)

Doesn't it say right under their name "expect great things"????

Well?  Shouldn't we expect great things?  Now personally I just see Kohls as Target with an attitude, and I'll grant you that's from a guy who only shops Amazon.  But if you're going to say "expect great things," shouldn't we?  I mean really.... Rebecca Black?  For those of you who haven't seen it.....  My apologies...

I know I'm just being overly sensitive here.  I know that my vitriol directed at Kohl's has more to do with the assault by retailers on the natural order.  The natural order that dictates that each holiday wait its turn.

My favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving.  I remember a time when you better have made sure that you have all of your ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner purchased by Wednesday afternoon because you weren't going to find a store open on Thursday.  If you forgot the canned cranberry sauce you better hope one of your neighbors has extra, and you know what, they usually did, and they shared.  It made for better neighborhoods.  (Heck I don't even know the names of any of my neighbors more than two doors away.)

Now, even before our Thanksgiving dinner is digested, retailers want us to leave our warm homes and camp out in front of their stores so we can go spend money we don't have, on gifts we really don't need, while pushing and shoving with others who have also lost the true meaning of this holiday season.

I for one have had it.  Kohl's..... You won't see a dime of my money, if for no other reason than you reminding me of the dangers of over indulgent parents.  (Yeah Mr. & Mrs Black, I'm looking at you.)

And retailers....... You won't see a single dollar from me until December.  And good reader.... if you've made it this far.... it's time to push back.  There's absolutely no reason why they need our money (or our promise to pay the 29.9% apr credit card bill) before 5:00am Friday morning.  If we don't hold firm we run the risk of marginalizing my favorite holiday of the year.  If we don't push back, Thanksgiving will become a Subway turkey sandwich in a tent in front of Best Buy.

I don't have a "way back machine".......  I wish I did.  But if I did, it would look like this:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!!!

Road Trip 2012

OK folks, it's time to talk about Road Trip 2012…….

On March 14th, 2012, yours truly turns 50, and what better way to observe a milestone of this importance than to embark on a endeavor that to some may seem risky, and may strike others as hair-brained; but at the same time give that 50 year old an opportunity to show what he can still do, and prove to himself that Old Guys do in fact rule!

Road trip 2012 will be a 7000 mile cross country trip over the course of approximately 3 weeks on my Suzuki Burgman Scooter.

I will be wheels up on Sunday, June 17, 2012 (yes, Father's Day 2012) and I'll head east. My main waypoints will be:

• Mesa, AZ
• Willard, MO
• Buford, GA
• Cedar Point, NC
• Chicago, IL
• Sturgis, SD
• Yellowstone Nat'l Park
• Port Orchard, WA
• Crater Lake Nat'l Park, OR

…. and back home!

Over the next 12 months I have quite a bit of prep to do, related to both my ride, and my myself.

First things first, I'll be converting this blog (at least temporarily) to a pseudo "Mission Control" for my trip so please excuse the dust while I do some re-design work. After that I hope to share with any of you interested enough to come back and read, the process and preparations i'm going through to make Road Trip 2012 a success.

Now that you know what I have planned for next year, please feel free to share your thoughts, offer any recommendations for places to visit, or any suggestions of places to avoid.

In the coming months I'll share more details about the route, the bike I'm using, why I chose the above main waypoints, etc etc etc.

The clock is now ticking we're at T-Minus 357 days, there's a lot to arrange before then, and I'm glad that you're along for the ride!

-FA

A Run-on Night

Ever have one of those nights where you toss and turn, and you can't fall asleep, then around 2:30am you finally start to drift off, and then your Golden Retriever decides it would be a grand time to go out in the rain to do her business, and you go outside with her to make sure she doesn't dig up your flower beds in the process of saying "Hi" to the neighbor dog, and in spite of the umbrella you get some big raindrops hitting your body leaving you wide awake, and also chilling your body enough that you decide to stay out of bed for a little bit to make sure you reach something approaching room temperature so that you don't give your loved one thermal shock under the covers, which gives you the opportunity to check out Amazon for last minute gift ideas, and you find an incredible deal on a Roku box with free one day shipping so you go ahead and get one because you know they are really cool and your family will be happy to have one, and since you're here anyway you go ahead and replenish your stock of Tassimo disks for the office because you're hopelessly addicted to coffee, and as you're checking your Amazon confirmation email you realize that a general clean-up of your email inbox is way overdue, and in your email is some spam offering to sell you an authentic "Rolleks" watch, which makes you look at the clock on the wall, and suddenly you realize that even though you are finally getting a little sleepy it's now 4:30am and you can't possibly go to sleep now and expect the alarm to wake you up in time for the very busy day you are expecting at work today, so you hop on to Blogger and tap out a post to elicit not sympathy, but rather some empathy with your situation, only to realize that, most likely, no one will read your post?

Yeah, I just had one of those nights too!

I better go make some coffee!